Today in Tepid:

Extreme Badminton

Badminton is a more sensitive form of tennis where duellists hit bits of bird called a shuttlecock (often referred to as 'roadkill') instead of a ball.

But a growing number of people (think of one person then more than that, then even more) are pursuing life-denying adrenalin-fuelled sports - cue extreme badminton.

Extreme badminton is extreme in relative terms, radical by badminton's strict code of not touching anybody unless it's a tap on your partner's buttocks as a term of encouragement (a kind of racquet goosing). And badminton strongly advises those who have smashed the shuttlecock and hit their opponent's bare legs, to say sorry and look like they mean it.

So how is extreme badminton more severe... in relative terms? Well, it can be by playing on a court where the tramlines have been painted slightly further apart so the players have slightly further to run (any suggestions for other ways of making badminton more extreme - but in a relative way - gladly welcomed). Or, players can make larger loops on their laces until they droop perilously close to the ground (usually parquet flooring), threatening to nearly trip themselves up.

The trend has, though, seen some alarming developments. Pictured is a competitor who has actually jumped over the head of his opponent (while he wasn't looking properly), spun through 180 degrees and positioned himself to execute a smash on his side of the net. This has made it easier to score a point because he has done all the hard work. All he then has to do is drop the shuttlecock anywhere behind his opponent. But at what risk? Certainly altitude sickness if he's very susceptible to that kind of thing, which can only really be combatted by drinking a coca leaf infusion tea or climbing down to a lower elevation where oxygen levels are more abundant. And of course, the manoeuvre has occasioned what in badminton is termed 'mouth open-age' which can lead to the swallowing of the shuttlecock. Many people may recall how badminton players have requested a cup of tea from them after one of their more boisterous games, remarking, 'I'm spitting feathers'.

And if that is not extreme enough, badminton trials is probably too extreme (see picture, right). Isn't it trial enough for a horse to hold a badminton racquet without the added fuss of surmounting obstacles you would usually put up in order to keep things out, like fences and moats? And horses playing badminton can also lead to hoof scuffing of parquet flooring which can force school janitors to open school a day later after the summer holidays to complete the polishing of the assembly hall, which schoolkids like to smell upon their return to remind them of next term's oppression.

Perhaps for those considering a foray into extreme badminton - start off serving with a lead shuttlecock.