Tepid

Heat Magazine is all about celebrities and people who have as much right to carry that mantle because they too have had a televison camera pointed at them... when it was switched on. Every bit as the wildlife that Bill Oddie notices. We want to know how they bent over at the beach, now that they exist, and in which direction they slop their cellulite.

What we need just as importantly, is stuff about the other people... your Ofsted inspectors, your carpet underlay promoters, your badger farmers, your horse Papparazzi, your other people... And that's where a Tepid magazine scores. Tepid is a blend of blog and magazine -a 'blogzine' or 'magalog', if you will.

So, kicking off with Alistair Darling (pictured), Minister of something to do with money. What he likes to do most is mismatch the colour of his hair and eyebrows. So much so that he leaves us guessing... how does he do it? Does he dye his hair white and leave the eyebrows black, or does he just like ageing asymmetrically? Something for the Tepid photographers to reveal. Here's their assignment mission: 'Alistair Darling. Follow him around. If he looks like he's heading down the beach (telltale signs: rolled-up towel tucked under his arm, small castle construction implements etc.), cash in. We know his hair is white but he may turn out to have very youthful toes. Document! Get snaps!' But also this. 'Don't worry if you only manage to photograph his head but then he dyes his hair black overnight and his eyebrows suddenly grey - we can always publish the negatives.'

One of the good things about being Alistair Darling is that he doesn't have to use so much 'Just For Men'. He only has to touch up his eyebrows with a mascara brush (or daintily with a wallpaper brush). Sometimes he only needs to buy 'Just For Men's Eyebrows'.

He's also very lucky that his parents chose his surname. With a name like that you can never stay angry with him. You could get very upset with his policies but then find yourself shouting, 'What are you going to do about money things then Alistair (and before you can help yourself) Darling?' Every time you say his name it just softens the blow of whatever venom you had in store.